collective :: Beloved Aoi
contact :: email : icq : aim
wishlist :: Amazon : FlaxArt


Catt's books

Four and Twenty Blackbirds
Wings to the Kingdom
Not Flesh Nor Feathers
Those Who Went Remain There Still
Dreadful Skin
The Living Dead 2
The Thackery T. Lambshead Cabinet of Curiosities: Exhibits, Oddities, Images, and Stories from Top Authors and Artists
Bewere the Night
The Inexplicables
Dead Witch Walking
The Good, the Bad, and the Undead
Every Which Way But Dead
A Fistful of Charms

Catt's favorite books ยป

wth, brain.

me: *minding my own business, reading Sterek fic*
brain: ABBEY
me: …what?
me: oh, for fuck’s sake.

There actually is an Abbey-relative doll, her South Scaremerican cousin, Marisol Coxi. My brain cares not (possibly because we do not have Mari), and has proceeded to bat ideas and the dolls we would need for them at me for the last day or so. It…well, it distracts from the weeping and the stress stomach aches, at least.


My brain has to decided to obsess over Pullip things, because why the fuck not. Mostly its obsessing over this one used Byul, which is funny, because, I um. Hate Byul. So, so fug. But in this case, it would be for the Pluto family I secretly fantasize about in a little closed room in my head.

See, I love my Taeyang Pluto. So, so much. I love Taeyang in general, but the Steampunk Eclispe Pluto is just epically gorgeous, and…ugh. I hate him, honestly, he torments me. I try not to look at him too much, because then I want to just stare at the pretty. He has made me fall in love with two other Pullip dolls, that I only realized after the fact ACTUALLY KIND OF LOOK LIKE HIM, DAMMIT, PLUTO.

This did not help with Pluto Family Fantasies, as you may imagine.

There are, of course, the other dolls in his line, but…eh? They’re fine. I wouldn’t mind some of their stuff, but I’m not really moved to have them. The same for the other steampunk line, really; although in both cases, I actually rather like the Dals (Ra Muw and Icarus). Just…not quite enough, I guess? Part of the problem is that Dal reads rather sulky, and that’s not my thing. It makes it hard for me to connect enough to actually buy one. She is really cute, though, unlike the aforementioned Byul. Like, even people who like Byul admit she’s an acquired taste and that her sculpt is really unphotogenic. Which is being kind, in my opinion, but is also probably part of why I’m all, “YES HER WE SHOULD DO THIS GOOD GO.”

Because when I’m depressed I simultaneously really want a project, to distract me and be creative, and also really want to avoid any projects, because if/when something goes wrong, it will seem that much bigger and more wrong, and I will be that much less able to handle it. But! Doing minor alterations on Pullips is pretty easy, and can offer really striking results. And if I already hate the Before, then the After is surely that much more likely to please, yes?

Of course its all pretty moot, as I don’t have $70, and by the time I do (if I do), she will probably already have sold, but that does nothing to keep my brain from obsessing and dreaming and plotting.

Well. At least its better than crying.

Goodnight, Suchin.

Box Kitty

Pets & loves, fuzzbutt.


Hey, how about a Wolf Fam update? Okay!

(I know you don’t actually care, but I don’t care that you don’t care. YAY!)

Leena and Deena are pretty much done. Leena just needs boots, which are on their way, and maybe some bracelets, but I’m pretty sure I can find something that would suit her in my stash, and even if I can’t…whatever, its just accessories. Deena really just needs a shirt, and its annoying me, because I thought I had it worked out twice now, only to have it just be…wrong. I would kind of like to get her a different bag, and maybe a cuff, but they’re not that important. She needs a shirt. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRT.

*cough* Anyway. Clawd and Clawdia are both kind of in a holding pattern. Clawdia’s probably got the worst of it, she’s in two pieces and mostly bald and waiting on hair samples to arrive. Clawd’s just chilling while I try to figure out what I am doing about a new body for him. They are both naked, poor darlings.

I actually got my hands on a Barker recently, all by himself and reasonably priced. He has a small smudge on the tip of his nose, but I kind of find it adorable, and it sort of goes with Pawla, who has a darkened doggy nose. They may get redressed in some Todd & Stacie clothes at some point, but for now they are cute and snuggly in their jammies and hanging out with Lux de Nile.

I also ordered a Reboot Howleen yesterday. I’ve been eyeing her for a while, because despite the godawful official photos, all the reviews and user pics show her as being pretty fucking cute. But I also reject her as being Howleen, which means alterations, which means the $15+ price tag was a bit too much for me. Especially since she’s often far and away on the + side. But then yesterday she showed up as an Amazon Warehouse Deal for $11 (oh no, not a damaged box!), and I had a $5 gift card, and Mom’s got a trial Prime membership (fuck yeah, free 2-day shipping), which whittled her down to $6, and that is more than acceptable. Oddly, the color scheme I’m picturing her with is reminiscent of Howleen’s original look. The colors are less in your face, but…its there. Since my Leena is a redressed and slightly re-styled Dance Class Howleen, the nod to the original might actually make them look LESS alike.

I’d actually really like to make it so that both of Reboot’s ears have the half-flop; play up the younger, puppy look, but I’m too afraid of melting her.

Um. That’s really it for the siblings, unless I suddenly decide to get a cheap lot from China and try to make Barker’s twin from the Monster Family site art or something. ….not gonna lie, that could totally happen. I have some cousins brewing in my head to varying degrees, but…I don’t know. Even if I wasn’t sink-floating through a really long, really bad depression bout, that might be beyond me. But I am, so its like, 100 times moreso. I’m not saying my stupid brain won’t let/make me try it anyway, I’m just saying it would be slow, and probably ugly.

So…par for the course, really.

I have a weakness.

I ordered myself a Nendoroid #618 – Captain America figure for Christmas. Because a, survey rewards, and b:


The cutest Avenger.

I mean. Seriously.

He won’t come til after the new year, but whatthefuckever, State-side sellers tend to ask 10x as much for Nendoroids. I can wait a month for reasonably priced adorableness, thank you.

There’s also an Infinity Wars version, because of course there is. It might join us at some point, because I have a thing, and it is maybe shaped like Steve, and I am okay with that.

Especially when it is jesus-christ-what-the-fuck levels of adorable. Because seriously, guys, jesus christ, and what the fuck. I can’t even.


I am having surprisingly good luck with Hairdorables so far. I’m up to four with no doubles yet. YET. My latest girls are Sk8r Noah and Whimsical Willow.

I was very pleased and excited when I opened the compartment with Noah’s skateboard, as Sk8r Noah is my favorite Noah, although I tried to tamp down just case one of the others also had a skateboard, and I had just forgotten. I have pictures saved of most of the girls, either concept art or prototype, sometimes both, but I don’t have all the accessories and whatnot memorized, and don’t particularly care to. It leaves me more surprise, and I’m finding that I kind of enjoy the “oh, who’s inside/who am I going to meet” aspect.

I guess with a large enough percentage of options that appeal to me, I actually do like blind boxes. Who knew?

Willow, though. If I was going to get a Willow, Whimsical Willow is 100% the one I would want. Its just…her color scheme feels like cotton candy (hate cotton candy, always have), and holy geez is she into unicorns. I got over unicorns sometime around middle school, and I never wanted them everywhere even before that. I’m trying to focus on the fact that she loves mint green (really really wish that instead of a third unicorn item, they’d made her top a green hoodie with brown polka dots, like mint chocolate chip ice cream) and is super into fashion without being pretentious or snobby about it. So far though, I’ve just kind of shoved Willow to the back and told the others to like her for me.

Maybe she’ll grow on me. I’ve gotten past the not-a-double-but-feels-like-one with Neila, although I am considering a rebody to help put more distance between her and Sallee, and I’ve half taken to calling her Soleil in my head, because as much as I want to believe she was named for Neil Armstrong, the prevalence of jokes and punnery in the dolls’ names leaves me pretty sure that they actually named her that because its “alien” backwards.

I mean…her rare version, Super Neila, is an actual alien. She’s like, robin’s egg blue, even. They might as well just give her a t-shirt proclaiming it.

They’re cousins! (Not the Greek kind.)

Second Hairdorable has arrived, and is…a tiny bit of a letdown? She’s not a duplicate, so that’s a win, and she’s cute (of course she is), and even a different character, which should be a yay, except…she’s Moonlit Neila.

Who could frankly be Stylin’ Sallee’s twin.

They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike!

Stylin’ Sallee (left), Moonlit Neila (right)

There are differences, yes: Neila’s skin is lighter, and her faceup is in different colors. Sallee’s hair is more of a true white, while Neila’s has a silver tone to it, and their blues are different in both shade and amount. And yet you’re still left kind of feeling like you have a double, while not actually having a double. I’m…not actually sure what to do with this.

…aside from get her out of that dress. That is some hardcore hideous right there. Wow.

Why so cute?

I’m not generally into the blind box/bag toy thing. For one, I am the person who will compare all the packages of a doll on the shelf to pick the one I like best. (I do this with eBay listings, too. Its actually kind of amazing that I buy dolls online, considering.) Second, I tend to only find one or two appealing, and either the series has so many that even “common” cannot be counted on to be found easily, or those two fall somewhere in the “uncommon” to “ultra rare” range. Its just not worth it, either in satisfaction or cost.

But…Hairdorables. Fucking cheerful, candy-colored, little chunks of adorable. Dammit.

The cuteness is killing me.

I actually like a good percentage of them, too. And out of the 36 dolls (12 characters, 3 versions each) only 2 are rare, and one ultra-rare…and they’re actually some of the ones I like least. My favorite is Harmony, which I do not understand, because…green hair. And not nice green, either, its lime, but it slides close to Pizzazz territory, and then they added bright blue accents, because that’ll help, somehow? WTH? And yet…I kind of love her. AND! None of her versions are rare. *cue anime heart eyes*

So, I took a chance, with the help of some gift cards, and ordered one. She promptly got accidentally sorted to Florida, because of course she did, but after a week she finally made to me, and with a lot of worry about disappointment, and a vague conviction that I would somehow get Rayne Showers (because she is a rare that I haaaaaaaaaaaate), I opened her and discovered — Stylin’ Sallee!

I…I actually like Sallee (despite the awful spelling that I keep typing as “Salle,” wth, brain), and this Sallee, in particular. I have a tendency to think that my favorite Sallee is whichever one I am currently looking at, but when I look at a pic of the three together, Stylin’ Sallee wins. YAY!

I like her so much that I ordered another one. And I’m thinking about ordering more beyond that. This…could be a problem….

I’m trying, guys.

So. Like I said, depression can and will make little flaws and problems and failures grow huge and heavy until they are all you can see, and the weight and disappointment is all you can feel.

And just to add insult to injury, YOU KNOW ITS HAPPENING. You live with this crap inside you long enough, and there’s a part of you that is aware and struggles to balance and calm you by pointing it out, but it kind of just makes it worse, because now its like “oh, I’m being stupid and unreasonable ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE.” Like…just fuck you, brain chemistry. Go die in a fire, I don’t fucking need you, you are ruining my life.

The Xanthoderma is…fine. Probably better than fine. She feels solid, the joints are tight, but not so tight you feel like you’ll break her. For the price, she is probably pretty damn good. I know this. I do. I just can’t feel it. All I feel is doom and wrong from her flaws, and the fact that she is not really going to work for the thing I bought her for, and I can’t think of what else to do with her, and so the flaws get bigger, and the disappointment sharper, and then she’s just money that I could’ve spent on something else, that maybe would’ve worked out. And its just builds on itself, like a recycling fountain of suck or something.

So I am just going to put Xantha away, where I won’t see her and dwell on her so much, and maybe with some distance, and please god some better emotions, I will see pluses and get some ideas, and…just really not feel like a fucking failure over a stupid figure body.

Fingers crossed.


I feel like things go wrong when I am least capable of handling them. Not necessarily big wrongs, either. Stupid, small, petty shit, that feels like the goddamn Titanic-killing iceberg because I just…can’t. Its all I can do not to cry at BREATHING, I cannot deal with anything more.

So of course the mores keep coming.

I’d like to do something to relax or calm or brighten me, even just a little, but that keeps going wrong, too. That’s what got me here, writing this. So what now?

Seriously. I’d like to know.