Nicholas Sparks has a way with heartstrings. In Dear John, he returns to his native North Carolina, where John Tyree is a wayward young man who looks for direction by enlisting in the army. Service changes him, and while home on leave he unexpectedly falls in love with Savannah Curtis, a woman who seems to have everything he lacks. Their developing relationship is cut short by the events of 9/11, when John’s sense of duty overrides his personal desires. Away from the woman he loves, he receives the letter every soldier dreads: It begins, “Dear John.”

But…all the letters he gets would begin that way. The entire “Dear John” term loses all meaning, because every letter would have to technically be a “Dear John” BECAUSE THAT’S HIS NAME. So much pain…stupid author…killing brain….