We went to Hollywood Video on Friday, and rented, among others, Immortal. I pretty much knew it would be bad going in, y’know, it practically screamed “straight to DVD!” But, Egyptian themes. I had to get it.

And WOW the bad. Just. Wow. First off, there were only, like, four real people in it. Everyone else was computer generated, or so heavily CG-edited as to not make a difference. And not all that spectacularly, y’know, I kept feeling like I was playing a video game, trapped in the cut scene from hell. And I could excuse them CGing the gods and the other non-humans, and hey, even the environment to save cash. But what about all the people who were just…people? What was the point? You’re already paying them to talk, guys, how much more can walking cost? And is it really more expensive than CG? ‘Cause I find that hard to believe. Then, of course, half the physical cast can’t actually act. And there’s this whole fucked up thing with the male lead starts the film having been in a floating cryogenic prison for thirty years, and yet his “spirit” is constantly posting weird, giant, holographic anti-establishment messages around the city. They never explain it, they barely touch on it, and when they do, its so brief, and distorted by the actor’s accent, that you wish they hadn’t bothered.

As usual, the vaunted beauty of the female lead does not exist. She’s pretty, and the blue hair/eyes/lips, white skin combo, along with her fetish for black clothing, makes her very striking, if somewhat effected and goth!punk!wannabe. Of course, in the story its supposed to be natural, but the make-up people can’t be bothered to apply the white past her neck, and her “hair” looks like some weird paint-fuzz-netting contraption, that just. It doesn’t work, basically.

And, honestly, CG!Bast is a lot hotter and more convincing. Also, naked but for a little blue psuedo-codpiece. Sadly, she and CG!Anubis (who’s also pretty well done, and surprisingly well-built for a god of the dead) appear only sporadically, and always briefly, and are either silent or conversing in what I assume is meant to be Egyptian. WITHOUT SUBTITLES. THE ONLY CONVERSATIONS I ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IN THE ENTIRE FILM, AND THEY HAVE NO SUBTITLES. VNTDGKSHGLSMVSZGKIESNGKSJNBAW.

*ahem* Anyway. The star god, as well as the only one who gets to speak English, is Horus. Sadly, he’s also the least attractive, and appears to be somewhat of an asshole. He has his reasons, but you only know what they are if you’ve read the back of the box, because the film pretty much ignores them. Or only discusses them IN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN SANS SUBTITLES, take your pick. But, while I do admit that he’s an asshole, it was really disturbing to have repeatedly and frequently referred to as a rapist. I’m not saying he wasn’t, because you get, like, nothing of his past, and not much of his present beyond, “OMG I NEED YOUR BODY TO KNOCK UP THIS ALIEN/MUTANT/NEVER-REALLY-EXPLAINED GIRL OR I LOSE MY IMMORTALITY OR SOMETHING I DUNNO READ THE BOX OMGWTFBBQ!!!ONE!” But the thing is, she never says no, and her idea of resisting largely resembles the squirming of somebody who just doesn’t feel like being held down, which he keeps trying to do. And then he does this placing-her-hands-over-her-head-and-and-then-letting-go-and-hovering-to-see-what-she-does thing, and she just stays there, and he’s all, “okay, then, on with the fucking,” and she’s like, “right on,” and then we go to her all arching and clinging and basically really wanting more of his dick, which he totally gives her. And then when she’s talking to the guy-as-himself, practically every other word out of her mouth is “rape” or a variation there-of. Honestly, Main Guy gets raped a lot worse than Miss Blue, y’know? And she’s not even that terribly upset. She sheds more tears and basically acts way more traumatized when kidnapped by government types. So, I dunno, god forbid someone puts their arms around her, but that whole nonconsensual consensual sex thing totally makes her day.

Whatever.

I still haven’t figured out the ending. Like, what/who was John supposed to be? Did Bast and Anubis kill the Senator, or did they just give him a ride somewhere since he hadn’t actually meant to stowaway? Why were Bast and Anubis the only gods who weren’t in stasis? Why the fuck didn’t Horus stop Miss Blue from becoming human when he specifically wanted her for her non-humanness? If she lost her memory from the transition, why didn’t having a baby that turned into a little blue hawk freak her the fuck out? And finally…how the hell did they ever convince people this was a good movie to make?