I want people to wake up so that I can take a shower without feeling guilty.

I want to figure out what channel Sharon Osbourne’s show is on, because RANSH! NEKKID! THIS WEEK!

I want the dehumidifier to stop running for two minutes and not need to be emptied.

I want my head to stop feeling like pressurized cotton.

I want the muses to come back.

I want it made clear that heads will roll if I miss nekkid Ransh. Seriously, yo.

I want Amelia.

I want Freshetta Brick Oven Italian-style Pepperoni pizza.

I want $60 for a DVD player.

I want Green’s Southern Butter Pecan ice cream.

I want nekkid Ransh to be on today, dammit!!

Selfish? Me? Pfffffft. Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?