It seems like the older I get, the more horror movies frustrate me. I mean, I still love the things, probably due in part to the fact that its the only genre where the chick with the best fight-or-flight instincts wins. Also? Robert Englund so needs to be my sex toy.

But I just…they never fucking run. And I’m sorry, but if you know a psycho is after you, you have three options. Run. Kill him. Sit and wait for him to kill you. That’s really about it. Now, in the case of an unkillable psycho, you’re kind of fucked on option two, altho vanquishing is usually still viable. However. Running? Generally your best choice. Run, find the brunette who’s been running from him a lot longer than you have, and become one with her. This, to me, is common sense. But apparently common sense is not common at all to horror writers, because I usually find myself yelling at them to “Run. Grab the gun, and RUN” several times before it even occurs to the characters that some sort of swift away-movement might be beneficial to their health.

Altho, I have to admit that Jason X was a lot better about that than, oh, say, Jeepers Creepers. Those kids were just fucking idiots. At least there was an attempt at thought in JX. Still. If you’ve spent about 500 years running from Jason fucking Vorhees and you’re so close to safety you can fucking smell the daffodils…you don’t pause to watch the big evil cybernetically-enhanced killing machine walk towards you, you just grab your buddy’s girlfriend’s head and go.

Which is not to say it didn’t have its moments. I mean, pretty much any shot that showed Lexa Doig, was a good one. And the android was cute, altho I would’ve enjoyed her more if I hadn’t kept thinking, “Yeah, and in your day job, you’re Lexa, and Lexa’s you, and she’s better at both. You poor thing.” And the Last Black Guy Standing? So, so awesome. I wish I was a black man, so I could get a job acting in a horror movie, and be the motherfucking shiznit.

And while I still think that Jason beating the two painfully-cliched (yet true) holographic girls to death with each other was officially the best weapon/death in a horror movie E-V-E-R…the tool who wrote that JX was the best Jason movie ever for the box, needs to fucking go back and rerent Jason Goes to Hell. The bit with Cool Guy and the handcuffs alone had it beat, yo. Once you add in the cameo by Freddy’s lovely accesory…JX didn’t stand a chance.