Alright, just so you now, I am know going to rant — long and surprisingly loudly for written word — about Highlander: Endgame. If you find such things boring or annoying, or if you don’t like my incoherent ramblings….you probably won’t like any of my entries, but this one will be particularly painful. As for the rest of you masochists…..

I’m still trying to decide how to react. On the one hand, it was better than I expected it to be. On the other, it was also worse than I’d hoped it would be. I just don’t know.

I mean, it is one of my favorite movie franchises. I can’t really say why, except…well, pretty people with accents, and I am, after all, a Sci-Fi Slut. And every franchise has to have that one hideous disappointment (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Scream 3…all of the Leprechaun movies). Its just, um. I could’ve sworn we got the bad one out of the way with Highlander 3.

Yes, that’s right, folks, I do not consider the nonsensical, misguided Highlander 2 to be the failure. Why? Lessee. The Quickening had Michael Ironside…trying desperately to be Clancy Brown, I’ll grant you, but hey, I want to be Clancy-sama, too. It also had Sean Connery looking damn good and managing to steal the entire movie despite being dead before it began, and only coming back to life for about twenty minutes. Also, its pretty funny watching them try desperately to explain something that works much better unexplained.

And what did the Final Dimension have? Name me one thing. Oh, right, it explained Connor’s katana. Yeah, we needed a whole fucking film for that. Lemme tell ya something, no we DIDN’T folks. We can do it in a thirty-second commercial, just have Chris Lambert standing there with a sign that says, “I used to know this Japanese swordmaker.” Lookee there, summed it up in seven words. And don’t you even think about bringing Mario van Peeples into this, he was trying even harder to be Clancy than Michael was, and without Michael’s inherent coolness to drawn from.

Alright. So this brings us to the fourth and most, um…ambivalent of the films. It did boast one of the few villains from the Highlander universe, and the only one from the films, who actually didn’t want to be Clancy-sama, so kudos there. He was, however, a complete loser. They made him so cool and cunning and powerful and oh, yeah, COOL in the ads. In truth? Obsessive, whiny brat with some weird quasi “fallen angel” complex. Shoot me. No, here, take my gun, and fucking shoot me. You wanna know why Connor couldn’t beat him? It wasn’t guilt or some dying shred of loyalty or whatever other gay thing the writers wanted it to be. HE WAS JUST OLD.

He was, too. Chris Lambert….dude, man, is he dying? Seriously. I want to know. Cause his voice is all fracked up, but only some of the time, and in the scenes where he had the short, slicked back Modern Connor hair, he looked older than my dad — who’s sixty-nine, diabetic, and has gone thru both cancer and a heart operation — and deeply unhealthy. And then they’d show flashbacks where he had the wig, and he looked fine. o.O;;

However. Peter Wingfield. *happy noises* And Jim Byrnes. *smiling bouncingness* Both having less screentime than Sean did in H2, when his character was dead. >.< Alright, so what else? Psycho Watchers with a hidden agenda. Been there, did that, killed the ringleader. Twice. However, these Psycho Watchers were much cooler than the previous PWs, and not nearly as psychotic. Also, they were actually good guys who were maybe just a little too dedicated, instead of straight out evil renegades. The fact that they walked around in these weird demonic monk looking outfits and carried shotguns did not hurt a bit. Which leads us to the Really Cool Asian Guy. No, really, this like, directly leads us there. RCAG drop-kicked a helmet into one’s face, so. See? Connection. Boop! ^^ RCAG also had one of those naginata things, and a slick name (Jn Ke…schweet) and, as the only Asian Guy in the film, got to be the Second Coolest Warrior in the Entire Movie. Why is that, anyway, that if you’re Oriental, and you’re in a film with action sequences, you are automatically cooler than everyone except possibly the hero? I mean, it makes sense to me, but Hollywood is rarely so wise. Ok……so. Villain, Chris, Peter, Jim, Psycho Watchers in demonic monk outfits. Really Cool Asian Guy. What next? ………………………………oh. Right. The bitter horsey woman from Duncan’s past. *sighs* I thought only Connor had to fuck girls that blyeargh. What were they doing with this? She got more screentime that four attractive, highly cool people put together, we have to sit there and watch the breastless wonder indulge in prolonged naked writhing with Adrian Paul (…….alright, so I liked the Adrian Paul part) and she gets to survive when all the other evil bitter people bite it. And could we just shave her head and force feed her a hamburger? PLEASE? Ugh. Back, foul demon. And y’know, now that I think about it…..precisely what was Peter Wingfield’s purpose in this movie? Other than, y’know, to keep the Methos fans from killing everyone at Miramax. Which didn’t work, by the way. I’m rallying the gang over at MacMint, and one morning when you think you’re safe, we’re going to be waiting for you in your offices, heavily armed and breathing fire. And you will tell yourselves, that can’t possibly be real blood pouring from our eyes, or baby heads grinding to paste between our molars, and surely — SURELY — that’s not your boss’s face and genitals stapled to the walls to spell out, “Methos Forever,” surely it can’t be. But oh, my love, my child, my best beloved. It is. It is.