Not having the best April so far, depression-wise. Better than the other year, when it rained for the entire month, and I started to contemplate killing myself just to make the rain stop. Still not good, though.

Down enough that on a few different occasions, my mother asked me if an item I was looking at might be something I wanted for my birthday, and I couldn’t even answer. I finally came up with something yesterday, and I’m both timidly hopeful I might get it, and already spinning anxious guilt tummy in fear that I will.

Awesome.

And just to add some stupid to the mix, I just found myself looking on eBay for possible related items I could maybe get down the road. For something I don’t have. And don’t know if I ever will. Just to fucking distract myself from the emotional suck. YAY.

Just shoot me now. It’ll save everyone a lot of time and money and heartache in the long run. And maybe I’ll even get a decent sleep out of it.