So. Finally watched the Clone Wars movie. I wasn’t expecting it to be good, really, cause…well, I’d seen the ads, frankly, and I remembered reading a review saying it was largely aimed at the kiddies. And yet, I was still expecting it to be better than it was. I just…ignoring the SW-specific problems with it, it just wasn’t very good. And the art style that was unique and kind of cool in the more traditional animation lost its charm and a fair amount of its flow in that faux-3D computer stuff. Add in the SW problems on top of it, it…just kind of got smushed under its own suck.

For one thing, and this is petty and nitpicky, but its also the smallest sin it has — getting Sam Fucking Jackson and the awesome-itude that is Christopher Lee back, really just emphasized the way everyone else was just pale imitations. And in the case of the Obi-Wan VA, a really bad imitation. He said every line in the exact same cadence like he was stuck in his own personal hell-sonnet, or something. (If he and the not-Willow from “Chaos Bleeds” ever got together, the world would weep.)

Other problems it had, that like, an hour on StarWars.com’s official databank or even Wookieepedia would’ve fixed:

– Hutts are neither a clan nor a family. They’re a species. A giant, grotesque, sluggy species. You shouldn’t even need SW.com for this one, a functioning brain and the fact that there’s Chewbacca the Wookiee but not Han the Solo should’ve made it pretty obvious. Also, because I refuse to give them two separate notations — a Hutt speaking Basic? Please. Assuming they’re even capable (which…I can’t remember, and I am not getting paid so I don’t have to look it up, neener), that shit is beneath them. ….in their own minds, anyway.

– 13 is not too young to become a Padawan. It is, in fact, the cut-off point. If you don’t have a Master by then, THEY SHIP YOU OFF to become a farmer or a pilot or if the Force really hates you, a miner. Just ask Obi-Wan. The Force almost hated him a LOT.

– THAT IS NOT HOW A PADAWAN IS CHOSEN.

– That girl spent her whole childhood in what is basically a religious order and is still unable to show respect to her elders? And specifically the one who is now in charge of her training and thus her entire future as a Jedi? Yeah, no. She’d have been shipped off years ago if she couldn’t even learn that much.

– A 13-yr old girl has sufficient power and control over the Force to bring down a stone wall? In one piece? AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA.

– Asajj Ventress grew up on a war planet. She went from street urchin to champion to warlord to being recruited by the Sith. She held her own against Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, but a scrawny kid half her size did not get killed immediately and even managed to deflect a couple blows? I…I can’t. You. My suspension of disbelief has a hole in it, now.

– NO, REALLY, THAT IS NOT HOW A PADAWAN IS CHOSEN.

I’d be irked by such blatant ignoring of the rules of the universe it takes place in, anyway, but I think its worse because George and his people are usually a lot better at keeping shit in line. He might do some light retconning himself, but other people are usually on a tighter leash, and that has been A Good Thing.

Of course, there is an upside to all this. There’s finally something Star Wars that I absolutely refuse to buy.